My nose.

I am fantasizing about a fire hose snaking up my nose, turning on, and clearing my horribly clogged sinus passages. Or a mist of some kind that will permeate my tender mucus membranes and shrink them down. Better yet, I'm imagining nano-robots that I can program to go into my nose and kill the viruses with tiny laser beams. Or what about a witch doctor who knows how to dance with maracas just the right way to frighten away the evil spirits living in my head so I can finally breathe again.

I've been sick for a week, and I'm so tired of snot. Snot is gross. No one should have to deal with snot. This cold has made me newly acquainted with the reason why people call horrible children "snots."

No, I'm not worried that I have H1N1 virus. I'm plenty horrified about it, but there is no way in heck that's what I've got. I am being plagued by a plain old, garden variety, tenacious cold. For which there is no cure.

Salt water up the nostrils. Do a headstand. Hold your breath for thirty seconds then blow out through one nostril at a time. Whiskey. Red hot chili peppers. (The food, not the band.) There are a million home remedies, and I would try them, but I'm too tired to stand on my head, or go to the grocery store for chili peppers, and salt water up my nose just doesn't sound good. I've already got stuff in my nose. That's the whole problem. I'm not going to put MORE stuff in my nose.

And so I'll just wait, watch CNN, snuggle my dogs, and breathe through my mouth.